jeriasunfire

Today I am to marry.

It seems abrupt because it is, because whenever we tried to do this with enough lead time to do it right something happened to stop it. I'm still not convinced that nothing will, there are four hours more for the world to play as nasty a practical joke as it can think of...

I am this strange combination of excited and scared, I don't know how to describe it. It's like there is a cloud of fireflies somewhere around my sternum and they're all dancing on the inside.

Are we starting a new family together, or are we making him part of mine? All of his is gone, he's alone in the world - I at least have my nieces. Than I suppose technically, but he's dead.

I wonder if it will hurt him to be there. I hope he can keep that graveyard humor of his in check at the wedding. I love my brother and I miss him, and I do my best to take care of this icy stranger who wears his face...

Such maudlin thoughts for a day like this. Are all brides this scatter-brained and flighty, I wonder?

Rid said the other night that he doesn't think anything will really change but that he will be wearing a ring now. I wonder if I believe that. I wonder if I want it to be true - it's a big step, shouldn't something change?

Is one of us going to change our name? You're supposed to do that, right?

... would my parents have liked him?

....... for that matter would they have liked me? What would my mother be doing today if she was here to see me marry? What would my father have said when I brought home a man nearly twice my age?

It's been years since I wondered what my parents would have thought of anything...

I want this. I want this to happen with a giddy delight that I don't know how to handle, and an edge of fear that reminds me that this is something that once it's done cannot be taken back...

I want the waiting part to be over. No matter how sweet anticipation can be I want it to be over. Sunset has never taken so long to come...

Okay, nannying or no, I don't think I care anymore.

I told myself I'd sleep on it and it still bothers the hell out of me. Carsis doesn't abandon patients. Teaghue's fingers are NOT better, the bandages aren't off of his ribs yet, and he's most definitely not ready to be 'completely on his own' as he put it.

This isn't just 'I think something's wrong with my friend', this is 'one of my healers isn't doing his job' and it's the same bloody one who stepped down and pushed me up to take his place. And given the identity of the patient...

I don't know what to do. Do I try to talking to him again? It was like pulling teeth last time, but... if I caught him more sober this time perhaps it'd help.


Wish Rid wasn't so busy. If I could talk to him I'd feel better - and less edgy. Carsis is his friend too, maybe he'd see something I don't. Maybe he could make this make sense.

Not that I think anything could make this situation make sense, but still...


((in somewhat smaller print)) Something's wrong. I wish I could tell if I was being paranoid or not.

Well that was.... unsettling.

I've never seen a forest of glasses that big unless it was sitting in front of a troll. I have never seen a friend so drunk that for a moment or two he forgot my name. Ever.

Especially not Carsis.

He's not himself. I think this death knight thing... ((ink splotch like the pen rested)) Why can't they just stay dead? Why do they keep popping up to cause problems this way?

Of all the people I'd have expected to turn to binge drinking as an answer, he would have been pretty low on the list, but hey. It's not as though my track record with judging him is fabulous. And eyeing someone askance for being drunk enough to sing on-stone is awfully hypocritical coming form the woman who begged for a bedtime story overstone the last time she was impaired (yes it was a fever and not alcohol, but still).


Still... he just didn't seem

Ugh, Jeria, stop nannying people twice your age. He's a grown man, he knows what he's doing, leave it alone.

((A small white rose blossom has been pressed between two small pieces of wax paper and is tucked into the pages here))

I'm going to marry him in less than a month.

I wish I knew how to make him feel this way as easily as he does for me...

Been looking back through the pages of this journal tonight... Light's mercy, it's been such a long year.

I've changed so much... I'm harder than I used to be, but I'm happier too. How can I be happier when Zimi's dead and Than's... what he is?

It's not a betrayal to be happy. And it's not a sin to ... lose some of the softness, I suppose. Be a little harder to hurt, a little harder to...

Not that I've suddenly become world-weary and jaded. People who are jaded don't get suckered into the Underbelly and mugged. My skin crawls knowing that Juni'andi's mask is out there roaming in the hands of a stranger, but... there's nothing I can do about it now. At least they didn't take my ring.



... I wish I hadn't snarled at Violeta the way I did the other day. I wish I hadn't taken my feelings out on her, but she just wouldn't let it go... and what reason do I have to be ashamed? Inviting her out to talk was a ruse to get her to take the drug that would put her to sleep. I have never led her on or expressed any kind of interest in trolls. Or women, for that matter. I didn't ask her to touch me, I didn't invite it, I never gave her any impression that it was welcome and I told her no. Still being bothered by this is stupid.

Ugh. I have learned that humiliation in large enough doses can be physically painful, and that yes, there are things that I will not talk to Ridelas about. Lesson learned, assimilated, and all that, now move on. If I ignore it for long enough it will go away.

I'm going to be taking it to the Violet Citadel after work today and destroying it.

Having it in my things makes my skin crawl and I swear, Light, sometimes it feels like it's trying to reach out. The damnable thing makes me feel unclean - and I wish that he'd made it ugly and bony the way that MOST troll fetishes are. Instead it's this... lovely sort of blue-green stone.

Ugh. I don't want to think about this anymore - I want to disenchant the damned thing into its component parts and then let the Kirin Tor mages take custody of the damn parts.

((It looks like the book was slammed shut before the ink was allowed to dry.))

I'm avoiding her.

I should have gone back to check on Juni'andi two days ago and I haven't. And I won't.

I just... don't want to go anywhere near her. I'd be just as happy, to be perfectly honest, if I never saw her again. Which isn't fair, and isn't her fault, and makes me feel guilty, but there you are.

She's in Masamba's custody now and whether he's changed careers or not, he can take care of her. He's been informed it's over, I'll have a chance to inform Mat today, and please Light let that be the end of it. If I'm lucky I won't see Violeta again until this has all had a chance to settle somewhat and everything will just quietly move past it.

What are weddings for?

I mean... why do you have them? I understand that getting married is a big deal, a big transition, and people being people it's a fabulous excuse for a celebration, but... why are they such affairs of pomp and circumstance?

Is it really that strange that we don't want a lot of pomp and circumstance, or am I just feeling strange because I'm starting to believe that I'm really getting married?

Is getting married technically starting a new family, or just one person joining another?

Once we're married we're family. Why are we taking that risk?


... why did I say yes? Light, that makes it sound like I regret it, I don't, I don't want to ... I don't ... I know that I want to ...

I don't know how to talk about this.

Why do I have so much trouble talking about this?

((There are a few false starts that have been scratched out, and several inkblots where the pen rested while she thought.))

By the standards of Silvermoon and its denizens the Darkspear are a brutal, savage people. They're barbarians. I've come to learn that 'barbaric' doesn't necessarily mean what it's come to mean in common use. They may be barbaric but they remain the most honest people I've ever known. The Darkspear have a great deal of honor and the proudest moment of my life remains the day that Tazimi first called me his sister - it was the same day that Xar'ti introduced me to Biter.

The Drakkari are nothing like them. The Amani pale in comparison. The monster in the woods that my first nurse used to threaten me with was Drakkari and she never knew it. That any people could be capable of doing something so unspeakable to their own gods...

... I don't think I'm ready to talk about it.

Well, I've got Violeta's permission, so I guess I'm taking the assignment.

... 'm nervous.


This isn't going to be like last time, because this time I'm going to remember that they. are. not. my. unit.

And this time I'll have Biter with me.



Here's hoping it doesn't take much past a week. I want to get back and get this Juni business dealt with.

I'm worried about Juni.

This isn't a good time for me to be looking at being stuck on the front for over a week, at least. I wish I'd managed to nail down Zulore and get him to take a look at her right after I'd first talked to Sellinda - I'd feel so much better if we had his expertise on this. I ... I know Kombe's ...

It's hard to explain. Everything always feels awkward around him. I think I remind him of Ti'rae and Rae'nah, and I make him uncomfortable. Honestly after our last conversation I don't think he ever expected to see me again. I really, really hope this isn't going to cause difficulties in working together - incorrigible flirt though she may be, she's Mat's daughter, and that alone is enough to make the idea of failing her nauseating.

He says that the spell that I found isn't really a spell, it's an entirely different magically constructed mind. I figured it was an alteration spell, something tightly nested with her memories, but an entirely different personality? One that is likely to defend itself the moment we start trying to take it out of her? I'm triply glad I didn't touch her before I had a mage look at her - if BlueJuni had started fighting back in the middle of deconstruction and I'd hurt Juni'andi...

I put Kombe in touch with Violeta since she's the one who's done all the research. Between the two of them they will come up with an answer and we will get Juni fixed. This is the first time I've seen him really happy since Darda left him and I will not see it ruined by this.

Note to self: Track down this Hecubah person when you've got time. Yes she makes him happy, but the last person who made him happy was a sin'dorei warlock. Happy doesn't automatically mean she's good for him.

Talked to Mat last night. Sometimes I really think Tal doesn't give him enough credit.

Talked to Carsis too. That went rather less smoothly but at least things seem to be... okay, I guess, again. I wish we could have a conversation without misunderstandings. I swear it hasn't always been this ... ugh.

I should have just kept my mouth shut instead of clicking off. Nice as it is to have someone else get your back when you're not looking, that conversation was much more stressful than it needed to be.


Still think snagging a priest and eloping into the jungle would have been a better idea.

( ((Cut for length)) )

Well.

Of all of the reactions he could have had to hearing that I'd agreed to marry Ridelas, announcing the fact and the fact of his blessing over the stone was probably the last thing that would have occured to me as likely.

Getting married. It still doesn't feel real. I don't think it's going to until twenty minutes after the vows are said.

... I have no idea how to talk about this. I don't remember the last time I was so full of different feelings that I felt stopped up.

I need to talk to Talash.

Notes to self:

Track down Zulore and Juniandi. Put them in a room together. Figure out what that spell does and why it's affecting her memories.
Talk to Masamba. Make sure that he hears about your promotion from you and that he's not going to be upset by it - Loas have mercy, we need an officer who's not an elf so bloody badly...
Talk to Matojo. Find out why he fled on the last night of the Fire Festival... or if he's willing to talk about it. DO NOT PUSH if he's not ready.

Track down Thandoril. Talk to him before he finds out on accident. Not that he can since we haven't told anyone, but you never know, if someone puts two and two together he could end up figuring it out or someone else ((the rest of the sentence has been scratched out))

If you don't even have the stones to write it down in your journal yet lest it turn out it was just a beautiful dream, then stop babbling about it like a schoolgirl.

Got a little while before I get sent out again, back to the whole so-much-changed comment.

Ridelas has been transferred out of Icecrown. At last. Finally. Thank the Loas, the Light, and any other benevolent or semi-benevolent gods that may be listening. That front eats people. I was so happy when he told me I actually squealed like a little girl who just got a pony - it was the best news I could possibly have gotten.

What happened last night just underscored how grateful I am that he's in K3 now.

Gharina was apparently shot down while on a bombing mission near Aldur'thar. There's that phrase again, 'shot down over Icecrown,' and oh if I could find a way to make sure no Harbinger was ever assigned to that hellhole again... Carsis was in Northrend and I was in the Barrens so he ended up being the one to go looking for her. He found her in the morgue on the Hammer. Still breathing.

Still breathing.

How could Blackscar put someone so stupid in charge of the Hammer's morgue? What the hell is wrong with Hellscream's lieutenants and their underlings? Why the hell can't Thrall see Not your place, Jeria.

I have to go back, I think. Soon. Gharina's stone fell out of the net, Carsis told me that she was a bomber, and I just froze. I panicked. That's not acceptable.

Violeta's gone and made me the head of the medics, and Carsis is the recruiter now, which means responsibilities. Which means no more avoiding or coddling your personal weaknesses. You told Masamba (truthfully) that control is something you take, not something that you wait for, and you do not want to have to wait until it's your emergency before you go back to that front. Go out there, face your demons, put them down, and move on.

I guess I was a little... cryptic... in my last entry.

So... Carsis apparently wants to step down as head of the medics. He approached me about becoming an Augur. I didn't think he was serious... Well, I knew he was serious about not wanting to lead the medics anymore but I didn't really take the idea of me becoming an augur seriously, I figured Violeta'd just tell him no. I've been infantry for most of the last season and a half, why would they put me ...

Ugh. Had a long talk with Ridelas about it - he ... I don't know. I guess I expected him to laugh or get worried about Carsis or something, but...

... I haven't healed for anyone but the Harbingers since I came out of Icecrown.
.... no. That's a fact but it's not the truth. I haven't healed for anyone but the Harbingers of War since I burned Tazimi's body in Stranglethorn.

I used to love healing. I used to gain a deep sense of satisfaction from it, and now it scares the hell out of me. Maybe it's the fact that I only heal my frie uni Oh Light's mercy, Jeria, be honest in your own journal and call a spade a spade. This unit is my family and I haven't healed for anyone but them since.

... maybe I shouldn've just told Carsis I don't think I'm fit to do this. He just... he said thank you, he seemed relieved when I said I'd be willing to do it...

Maybe I'm just overthinking it. Rid thinks I lost my confidence after Corp'rethar. I don't know if he's right, I know that I feel like I know what I'm doing and I trust my abilities as far as they go, I just... can't stop worrying about what happens if what I can do isn't enough.

I worry a lot. I wish I knew how to stop. I wish I'd put more thought into this instead of assuming that Violeta would tell him no - Rid certainly doesn't seem to think she's going to. Rid doesn't seem to think she should.

Then again he's awfully biased.... ((inkblot, like the pen rested for a spell))

And now I'm being goofy and ridiculous.

....... no, I'm not ready to write about that yet. When it feels real I'll write about it.

...

How can so much possibly change in just a few days?

That was... odd. And by odd I mean incredibly awkward and uncomfortable.

He could have warned me. Either one of them could have. It would've been nice.

Then again, maybe it's just a side effect of whatever's been done to her. It's definitely not normal to touch your healer mid-examination and then start flirting with them while they're trying to explain what's going to happen next.

And here I thought it was weird when Mat had a crush on me. It's approximately a hundred times weirder when his daughter's hitting on me.

I think I did a good thing yesterday.

I hope I did, anyway.

He left looking like he'd had someone kick his thoughts into a more constructive path.